After a long leave of absence (for reasons that don’t concern you at all) I’m back for an overdue update. With school soon to start and my life to quickly grow increasingly duller I’ve again excited myself to the point of blogasm; confident that this time the run will last longer and be more satisfying for all parties involved.
In my spare time, when I’m not conceiving ways to steal Katy Perry away from Russell Brand, I've been thinking of a few things I've learned navigating this collegiate wasteland. It's sort of a half-hearted mental attempt at gearing myself up to another sixteen-or-so weeks of absolute Hell. Of those many things I've learned I'd like to share some of these thoughts with you, at least the ones that don't carry a 15-to-25 year sentence in most states.
First of all, if you're one of those people who's actually excited for school to start you're kindly invited to go stick a fork in your own eye. You'd probably enjoy that considering you obviously have masochistic tendencies. Seriously, it's true. If one prefers the school life where you pay 2 grand a semester to run around with the stress level of an underappreciated mail worker to the superior summer lifestyle when you do WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT there's obviously some sort of mental instability. Nobody in their right mind enjoys college, at least not the college part of it. This brings me to my second thought...
...You can retake a class, but you can't retake a party. I rarely agree with the frat-boy crowd but on this we can see eye-to-eye. I'd much rather have memories worth keeping than sitting around in my old age reminiscing about all those good ol' days sitting in classrooms. And speaking of old age...
...All you desperate housewives out there: Obama may "want you back in school," but no one else does. You might feel un-hip and slow compared to your twenty-something classmates. Well, sweetheart, it's because you are; and, yes, we notice. There are plenty of online courses that allow you to stay home with your 2.5 kids, bake them pie, and (most importantly) stay the Hell out of my way.
